First Days and Discovered Secrets
by SMS13
Summary: Carter returns to County...


~*~ First Days and Discovered Secrets ~*~

Spoilers: The break up letter...

Rating: PG

Author's Notes: Read and review please!!! Thanks tons!!

John Carter climbed up the boarding ramp towards the plane. Finally we was going home, whatever appealing quality that may have. The only thing he was looking forward to was a hot shower and a warm, clean bed. Otherwise everything else just didn't matter. He made himself comfortable the best way possible although on these airlines, comfort really wasn't an option. he put one bag up in the overhead container, the other he would keep under his feet or on his lap, depending on room. It held his walled, cd's, player, watch, and some other necessities. He looked for his CD Player, hoping to fall asleep until he reached O'Hare Airport. He scrummaged around in his bag, feeling the bottles, papers, containers, pens, pencils, but no player. He opened it up winder and finally found it. He slipped on his headphones, and the comforting sound of the Symphony Concerto Number 5 filled his ears. He continued to scurry around in his bag, pulling out the rest of the bottles and random papers he hadn't previously touched. Then he threw them back in his bag, for there was nothing else to do with them. He reached the bottom of his bag, pulling out a crumpled piece of paper. it had been soaked with water, crumbled, and then thrown against the ground in frustration. Then it was picked up, angrily opened, and the cycle continued. Several hundred times. It was a letter. From Abby. He opened it up gently, to make sure he would still be able to read it. It would always end the same way, he would crumple it back up and throw it away. Then sooner or later he would go back and get it. He held the paper in his hand. The handwriting was quick and angry, the original text obviously smeared by tears. He began to reread the letter for the thousandth time. The ink was already beginning to wear away...

John, 

I don't know what I'm supposed to say, or how I'm supposed to react to this, but I knew. I think we both did. We began to slip away from each other, and neither of us wanted to admit it. Especially me. I screwed up your life so badly, and you never deserved it. But I just wanted to say thank-you. Thank you for showing me how to be a stronger and better person, how to be happy. And Thank you for showing me what true love was. There's nothing I can ever say to you to make everything go back to the way it was, and I hope you find happiness one day.

Abby

And once again, he curled the ball back up and threw it into his bag forcefully. How was he going to face her now? He should have never written the letter, much less had Luka give it to her. It just wasn't the way to break up with her at all. The words just seemed to flow by themselves on the paper. The thoughts raced through his mind. He had tried to be kind, yet the letter had turned out so cruelly. And she obviously hadn't been exactly ready to give up. But he pushed her to this unstoppable point. Like there was nothing that could be said or done to fix them. There was still some hope of them to him, even after all that happened. He felt his eyes growing tired, almost strained. He fell into a fitful sleep until the plane reached its destination in Chicago. 

~*~*~*~*~

The jet lag was terrible. He couldn't pick himself off his bed. After what felt like forever, he managed to get himself off the warm feather pillows and down the stairs. The house was completely empty: a mausoleum. All that was missing was the chanting background music and the candles. He walked into the kitchen, and remembered there was nothing there to eat. he found a bottle of water, took a gulp, and headed back up the stairs to change. He would get something on the road to the hospital. He needed to tell Kerry that he was home and arranged his schedule. He stopped at a local diner on the way and picked at some toast and eggs. For someone who hadn't had any real food for weeks, he just couldn't eat. He paid the bill and headed back to his Jeep, on the way to the ER

~*~*~

He entered the doors, the storming patients, either screaming or crying, could be heard miles away. He walked in towards the admit desk. "Instead of saving me from crazy patients you're in Africa! Damn your lucky!" He looked up to see Susan standing in front of him. "Susan! Wow.. You're a uhhh.. brunette!" She nodded her head. "Yeah. I needed a change." He smiled. "You look great." She walked over to him, planting a small kiss on his cheek. "Great to have you back. I gotta go, but coffee later?" He nodded his head in response. "Bye." He walked behind the desk and dialed Kerry's office extension. She was in a meeting. She would be out in about 45 minutes though, and he could come up. So what was he supposed to do for the next hour? 

He planted himself on a chair and began to read the last 6 weeks' memos, papers, and every other thing announcement before signing in and attacking some patients. He had time to kill. He started off slow, no trauma yet. He needed to get back into the flow of a big city hospital with actual medical technology and all available medications. After about three flu patients, he sat back down at the desk with a cup of coffee. Kerry had called and Jerry told him she was coming down soon. He flipped through his charts, every so often getting a "Welcome back..." from one of the nurses or staff. He started to write his discharge summaries when he heard Luka's voice heading in from the way of the ambulance bay. He looked up and saw the one thing that he had dreaded before and even more so now. Luka's hand was draped over Abby's shoulders, his other hand holding hers. He saw her freeze. He froze along with her. The world stopped moving. Her hand unclasped from his, but he saw her head begin to dig into Luka's shoulders. He saw his grasp tighten around her. "Hi Carter." A look of shock and disappointment etched itself upon his face. He grabbed his charts and stormed off, making it obvious to the whole Admit Desk that he was doing so. How could she? Go back to him? She had no remorse or regret. She was a whore. She played him like a toy. Her stupid naive little toy. He reached the empty suture room and sat down. He pulled up tot he bed and laid his head dup on his arms. Why had he come back today? he should have called Kerry and arranged a time. He heard the door open, then swing shut. "Don't pout. Your face will stay that way." He didn't want to look up and face anyone. "Susan, just please go away." He just wanted to be alone. "I hope you weren't expecting her to jump back into your arms as soon as she saw you..." He shook his head. "She's a tough one. But she's finally happy. Don't ruin it. For either of you." He looked at her. "I never did anything." He saw her hands go up to her hips and rest there. "Exactly. You were a scumbag. You broke up with her in a letter. As if a five minute phone call would have been so difficult..." He shook his head in shock again. "It wasn't that, it was just too hard." He heard her stifle a small absurd laugh. "Where the hell were you when she almost bled to death? Hmm? She tried to commit suicide, Carter. Because of you. I'm not going to be gentle. She's strong. But not invulnerable." Carter finally looked up at her. "What? When?" Susan sent him a piercing look. "Luka kept a vigil over her bedside. He helped her pick up the pieces. They're happy. You had your chance. And you blew it." He heard her walk out the doorway. He didn't ruin anything. They were just never meant to be. But then why did he feel so complete when he was with her? Why did he dream of her every night? Why did he wish he could taste the sweetness of her lips, or hear the sound of her laugh? Why was he crying over her, when they were never really mean to be? 

~*~ So what do YOU, yes YOU think? I live for feedback, so please just take a second or two and drop me a line! Thank you so much!!! And the next part should be up very soon, only because it's summer and I have nothing else to do!! :-)


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